5 Basic Principles of Living In Truth

Do you recall the last time someone in your life lied to you?  When was the last time someone looked you dead in the eye and lied to you?  What was your relationship with them?  Were they family, a friend or a coworker (or even your boss)? Did you know they were being dishonest in the moment or did you figure it out later?  How did that experience make you feel?

I’m sure most of us can agree that no one wants to be lied to.  I don’t know if it’s just where we’re at as a society these days or if it’s driven by drugs or something else, but it certainly seems like I’m dealing with it much more often than I use to and I bet you can say the same.

Whether you’ve found yourself in the spiral of dishonesty or if it’s someone you love or even work with, this post is for you!  Please join me as I pull back the curtain and shed some light on these topics:

• Everybody lies

• Trust People When They Tell You Who They Are

• Lies Give Rise To More Lies

• No One Has All The Answers

• Integrity is the Standard

• Benefits of Communication

Grab yourself a cup of coffee and let’s dive in!

Everybody Lies

When I think about where dishonesty began for me, I think of childhood.  Why does it start so early?  I believe this is because our earliest memories are of learning fundamental human behaviors.  We’re taught right from wrong at an early age, often even earlier than we can retain it.  A lot of this is for our protection, like when we’re taught not to touch a hot stove because it can burn us.

I think children tend to test the waters of what they can get away with as they move through toddlerhood and this is where I believe it begins. While I advocate that humanity is inherently good and means well, I think we can all agree that toddlers tend to be selfish creatures by nature.  They’re not in a position yet in their lives to be responsible or even think about repercussions of their actions.  Maybe they know they’ll be disciplined, but they’re not thinking about a domino effect that may take place, involving other people… much less, inconveniencing anyone else from their actions.

Of course we don’t expect small children to be this complex.  That would be absolutely insane!  However, if you catch a small child in a lie, it’s always going to be an attempt at self preservation, even when the child hasn’t developed enough to even fathom what that means.

As children grow up, and perhaps when the repercussions for lying are greater and there’s less room for them to claim they didn’t know better,  they tend to become more honest, though that’s not always the case.  I have many adults I deal with both in my family and professionally that haven’t developed past this stage.

No matter their age, gender, creed, status, or any other label, people always lie to hide the truth.

Trust People When They Tell You Who They Are

Several years ago, I found myself working for the first boss I can remember being a pathological liar.  It’s one of the things I truly despise, especially when it’s coming from someone I’m supposed to respect.  I developed a habit of coming home and dumping all of my woes from the day onto my husband as he also knew the person I was reporting to very well.  One day he said these words to me and it was like a lightbulb went off!

“Trust people when they tell you who they are.”

He explained to me that the reason why I was getting so worked up over someone lying about petty things was because I had an expectation of that person, but they would never be able to deliver on that.  Those were MY expectations which were based on MY standards.  Granted, it would certainly be nice if mature people were the ones getting promoted to leadership positions so the rest of us wouldn’t be forced to deal with those particular behavioral issues, but that’s just not the world we live in.

Instead, what we can work on is ourselves.  We can practice self awareness in the same way I’ve demonstrated above.  I believe at the very least, it’s practicing self care to not allow ourselves to get worked up over other peoples actions.  We have no control over what other people do anyway.

There are many people in my life whom I’m civil with or even love, but I refuse to ask them certain questions for exactly this reason.  I’m choosing not to invite them to lie to me by avoiding asking questions regarding topics they’re likely to lie to me about or have lied to me about before.  I am trusting them to be exactly whom they’ve proven to me they are.  I trust that they’ll lie to me when they have before.

If you’d like to try this but you’re unsure of how or when, just ask yourself “Is there any reason they would feel the need to seek self preservation on this topic?”  It can be frustrating at first, but I assure you that this tactic will help you navigate your expectations of the people in your life.

Lies Give Rise To More Lies

I’m sure we’ve all heard this, but when I was young, my mom taught me that when you lie, you have to continue to lie to keep covering up your lies.  She explained that untruthfulness was a cycle you don’t want to get caught up in.  She was absolutely right about it, too.

I’ve kept a small circle of loved ones around me throughout most of my adult life, yet somehow I’ve had the misfortune of experiencing two of my closest people fall victim to addiction, separately but at the same time.  What a roller coaster that’s been, good grief!  I’m sharing this to convey that these two people whom I adore have historically been my own voices of reason, holding my feet to the fire when I’ve been tempted to take the easy road and not be fully honest about something.  They were always accountable and trustworthy…. Until they weren’t.

Both of my loved ones began their lying cycles in an effort to seek self preservation.  They knew right from wrong, that their lies would hurt the people they loved, and that I’d know they were lying, but it didn’t matter.  The kicker is when each of them go through bouts of sobriety, they have (in the past at least) expected that apologizing for their wrong doing and coming clean with the truth should mend the brokenness. It never does though.  I appreciate their effort and continue to love them dearly, however the truth is that I was sober through all of their shenanigans.  They may have been high and perhaps don’t really recall the awful details of the drama they put their loved ones through, but I felt every bit of it.  People may not remember exactly what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.

No One Has All The Answers

Have you ever caught someone fabricating an answer instead of being honest about not knowing the answer?  Sure you have.  We all have lol.

“I don’t know” is a perfectly good answer.  Sure, someone may be pressured to offer more than that, for whatever reason, but lying about it instead of stating the truth isn’t the best way to handle anything.

I say this from experience.  Since I’ve been on my own self development path, I’ve faced this conundrum many times, often within the workplace and primarily from my leadership.  I have found that honesty, even when it’s inconvenient to your leadership (ie: not having the answer they expect you to have right now), is always received better than dishonestly.

You’re absolutely allowed to be wrong sometimes though. None of us are perfect and I’d be lying if I told you that I’m 100% right all the time!  I’m certainly not, lol.  We just don’t want to get caught up in the cycle of making stuff up just to satisfy whomever is asking something of you. Being honest will always go much further because, frankly, people usually know when you’re lying to them.

Integrity is the Standard

Perfection is often perceived as the standard, but actually, I believe integrity is.  It shines through your character by what you do when no one is watching.  Are you honest or deceitful in situations where you probably won’t get caught?

Remember that Ashley Madison website debacle from several years ago lol?  Sheesh… well, it goes hand in hand with the topic of integrity. I’m no one to judge, but if you’re married and find yourself searching a website in which it’s sole existence is to assist cheating spouses cheat with other cheating spouses, and your own spouse is unaware, no one needs to tell you that you’re being deceitful.  This is the opposite of integrity.

Practicing integrity gets easier the more you do it, though.  It can offer a lot of peace to your life because being honest doesn’t require as much energy as dishonesty does.  Instead, it guides you on your path as a genuine person.  This leads to your authenticity which is such a beautiful trait.  You’ll stand out as authentic which in turn will attract people to you.

Benefits of Communication

This one was probably one of the hardest ones for me to learn.  Real communication seems to be tough for most people.  It’s one of the biggest reasons why marriages fail or even why people leave their jobs.  Why though, when it’s such a simple concept at it’s core?

Communication is how we resolve conflicts or stop them before they become a conflict in the first place.  It can be scary territory though if you’re not confident enough to properly convey how you feel about a situation.  It’s also something that’s perceived past words through tone, volume and body language.  It can help build trust within any relationship.

Within the workplace, communication can boost morale, increase productivity and build a better work environment for all.  As an employee, I’ve always had much more respect for my superiors when they’re effectively communicating with me rather than feeding me lies or no information at all.

What makes communication such an obstacle though?  I believe the answer is vulnerability.  That’s the scariest thing of all, assuming the person isn’t being deceitful.  Obviously, if you’re not being honest, then communication is an opportunity to get caught in a lie and perhaps that’s one reason why people shy away from it.  If you’re coming from an honest place though, just know that it will take some practice.  Start small and you’ll get there, slowly building your confidence along the way.

Practicing an honest lifestyle has brought me so much peace.  Even when I catch people lying to me every day, it doesn’t change who I am at my core.  You learn to let a lot of things go that aren’t worth your energy, which we should be protecting (our energy).  It’s made me a more genuine, kind and authentic person and I’m much more confident in myself when I can stand on those values.

I believe that the best place to start your journey of living in truth is to begin with yourself.  If you can be honest with yourself, you’ll find being honest with others much easier, natural even.  You may be asking “What in the world do I need to be honest with myself about?”.  This will vary from person to person, of course, but perhaps it’s what you’re saying in your head when you look in the mirror.  Or maybe it’s something a bit more simple like setting appropriate time blocks in your schedule to complete tasks.  Maybe you could afford to be honest with yourself about your future, whether it’s your job, marriage, kids, etc.  Or maybe it’s about being honest about a friendship that’s not good for you anymore.

I have a lot of truths I speak to myself on many of these topics regularly.  I’ve found that often times, the hard choice is usually the right choice when I’m trying to figure out what that truth is.  I usually refer to this as “checking myself” which I do any time I’m not really feeling like myself.  Maybe I’ve been negative or said some things I wish I would have worded differently or not said at all.  This one use to be huge for me.  I’d find myself saying “I regret” all the time.  My husband pointed it out to me one day and shared that he doesn’t tend to be regretful.  The reason was simple:  Be intentional.  Apply forethought.  Don’t do things that you’ll regret rather than mindlessly doing things and always having regrets later.  What a concept!  Yet, I’ve applied this and am much happier for it!

I want to leave you with this and I know that you’ll find peace by applying these principles for living in truth.  I’d love to hear from you especially if you found this post insightful at all!  Shoot me an email at jayme@ladyunchained.com!